It’s a long offseason for your Philadelphia Flyers right now, and look, we all stay occupied in our own ways. Some of us go to the Shore for a week or two. Some of us turn our attention to the Phillies.
Others among us get summer jobs, and your boy Gritty is on the hunt.
There are always subtle hints to be found amidst the buzzwords of a résumé. Hidden between “Master of Karate & Friendship” and “Proficient in Microsoft Office” are some big hints on how Gritty might perform as an employee.
Gritty, the boss?
I’m thinking that Gritty is probably management material. It’s one thing to put your headshot on your résumé — it’s another thing entirely to turn the opacity down to 30 percent and toss up a full body shot as a background. That’s a power move if I’ve ever seen one.
Using Comic Sans screams “I’m a fun boss," but by listing his career objective as “The Iron Throne," he’s also letting prospective employers know that that he means business. Ruthless in the board room, but he'll bring in cupcakes for the staff. An asset to any organization.
NHL
Potential HR hazard? I don’t think so
Gritty must get that ruthlessness from his days at Eastern State Penitentiary, where he was apparently an inmate from September 2016 through 2017. (Nobody tell him that the building has been closed as a prison since 1971, and that he probably could have just walked out of the front gate at any time.)
This explains a lot. The constant fighting with the Mites on Ice. The threats to maim the Pittsburgh Penguins. Those eyes.
Gritty is the true personification of Terror Behind The Walls.
Knowing this, your first instinct might be to assume that the recently-incarcerated Gritty would be a dangerous addition to your office environment. But inmates are certainly capable of effectively returning to both society and the workforce, and there’s no doubt that Gritty has had a successful first year in his full-time job as Flyers mascot.
There’s no reason to think he couldn’t work the counter at Kohr Bros. in Wildwood for a few months — as long as none of the customers are spotted in a Penguins jersey.
One big no-no
I have always believed Gritty to be very upfront and honest with the public at large, but there’s one major red flag on this résumé. It’s an obvious lie.
Under Special Skills & Certifications, Gritty notes that he has “Great Communication Skills." While Conversational Morse Code is impressive, you just can’t be a good communicator when you’ve listed AIM — screen name LOLGRITTYXOXO — as your main contact method. AIM has been shut down since 2017.
That said, which away message do you think best exemplifies Gritty? Be sure to vote in the comments.
I’m capable of looking past this one major slip up, though, because overall, there are a lot of really strong elements to this résumé. How many friends do you have who can boast that they’re treasurer of the Air Hockey Club, a college graduate in Logic and Farrier Science, and also a Webby Award winner!? Not many, I’m sure.
Hire Gritty.
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